There have been many, many steps forward as evidenced by my previous post and so many of my other posts. Right now, we are experiencing our first real backwards step - in sleeping. Since bringing Lily home, she has progressed and turned into a wonderful sleeper. The first month or so, she slept in our bed. One over the jet leg, she slept pretty well and would only wake up if she fell off the end of the bed. Sometime in May, we moved her to a big girl bed in her room where needed me to stay in there until she fell asleep. Since late June, after her night time routine of getting ready for bed, books, songs, kisses and hugs, and bed, I have been able to leave the room and Lily has gone to sleep on her own. Recently, she's been asking for more books nad more songs to delay night night, but she's still gone to sleep without a problem. Thursday night, everything changed.
Thursday night we went through Lily's normal bedtime routine. She asked for more books and more songs. I sang her some more songs. Eventually I put her in bed, kissed her goodnight, hugged her, said I love you (repeat a few times) and left the room. Within two minutes I heard huge cries, and Lily was out of bed at her door. I calmed her down, laid her in bed, repeated the songs kisses, and hugs, and left the room. She started crying again. Repeat this about 5 times with no songs on subsequent efforts - just putting Lily in bed, kissing her, saying its night night time, and leaving. Eventually, I had to sit in the room until she fell asleep. This was the only way she wouldn't cry and get out of bed. During all this, I was starving b/c Thursday was the first time in months that I did not eat dinner when the kids did, so all I wanted was to go downstairs and have a piece of toast!
Friday morning, Lily woke up screaming and crying at 5 am. I tried rocking her and putting her back in bed a few times, staying in her room with her, but she wouldn't calm down. Since Jeff was gone, I brought her in bed with me.
Since Thursday, I have had to stay in the room until Lily fell asleep for both bedtime and nap time. Yesterday she fell asleep in the car around 11 am, I brought her inside and laid her in bed and she woke up. She typically transitions to her bed and goes right back to sleep (unless her brothers wake her up, but they weren't home). Since Thursday, she has woken up in the middle of the night needing me to stay in the room until she fell back asleep. Last night she woke up around 1 am, and didn't fall back asleep until close to 3. That meant that you know who was in her room from around 1 to 3.
What is going on? What should I do? Were Lily my biological child, I might just let her cry a little bit until she fell asleep. But, she's not. Lily has been in our family for four short months. Four short months ago, my daughter was torn from everything she knew and placed in our care to love her and take care of her for the rest of her life. So, will I leave her to cry? No. I will go back to bringing a magazine in her room and sitting in the rocking chair and reading until she falls asleep.
I can't help but wonder what is going on in my little Lily's mind? I have started leaving Lily for short periods with Bruna, who has been in our home since a week after Lily and who Lily loves and will give hugs and kisses. Is my leaving her causing her to wonder if one day I will leave her for good? She is always totally fine when I leave - saying bye bye, giving me kisses and saying she loves me. She is always totally happy when I come back. Saying "Mommy!" excitedly and giving me hugs and kisses when I come in. Just to let you know, "always" that I refer to has been leaving her four times. Some people may say I shouldn't leave her at all and I have certainly struggled with leaving her. However, my husband was gone for 12 days - I really needed a short break here and there. Yesterday, Jeff and I had our first date afternoon in four months. We have some serious issues to discuss and decisions to make, so that time alone together was very much needed.
So, that's our step back. Is it the end of the world? No. Is it worrisome? Absolutely. I wish she could tell me what's going on in her mind so I could know what to do. Could leaving her be causing her sleep issues right now? Or, is it something else that is scaring her. Is she developing her own self and just kind of scared of the realization that she is separate from me? I don't know. I just hope that by giving her lots of love during the day, hanging out until she falls asleep, and being there at night when she cries she will soon learn to go to sleep by herself again! This mama needs her sleep!
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10 comments:
This is a tough one- but being home so soon i really do think it has to do with her insecurity in you being there. I would say you need to do everything you can to let her know she is safe (as she perceives not neccessarily as and adult would perceive it)and that you always come home. I would wear her as much as you can for awhile, too and just keep her close. Not an expert by any means- just based on our own issues. I feel for you- we just went through the same thing... i think z's was alot developmental but also had to do with her history! Hang in there- i know it is tough but it is for such a short period of time in the big pic and i think it will help with her overall security!
Rachel - you guys are great parents and need to go with what your gut tells you. You will know when its time to "push the envelope" and right now probably isn't the right time.
Hopefully this will be a short lived issue.
Wishing you the best...
The doctoroffs
I understand where you are, but just go with what you feel is right and she will get through it!
See you tomorrow...maybe she and Maggie will nap together? LOL!
Hang in there Sister! Do you have a special nightlight for her? Also, does she have a special lovey she takes to bed?
Sister
Rachel,
We struggled so much with sleep in our house. It was really the only "issue" we had with Lia. So I feel your frustration and concern. I remember all to well the days of being bone tred and cranky from lack of sleep and no down time to recharge.
It is so hard to know if it is normal kid stuff or related to the adoption and all the changes...which I think just makes it all more difficult.
I don't have any great advice unfortuantely. Just like Denise said...do what feels right in the moment and it will pass.
My thoughts are with you and Lily!!
We also have had issues with going to bed and getting to sleep, and just like you -- things improve for a while and then take a few steps back. Hang in there -- it will evenutally get better. I know I did stay while Maddy fell asleep for a long time. Finally (she's 6-1/2), she's going to bed on her own again. She does generally wake up during the night, but at least goes to sleep in her own room. She used to wake up and cry out "Mommy, come help me" in the littlest voice that sounded so needy -- so how could I ever ignore that. Hang in there!
Janet
I'm so sorry that Lily is struggling with bedtime. I wish I knew something to help you. Perhaps you could check with your friend in Michigan who knows a lot about attachment for her input?
Awww Rachel!! Every child is diffent and I think you are doing all the right things. She obvioulsy knows how much you love her. Bailey saw a boy in the shoe store yesterday that froze ehr in her tracks, She was extra clingy at bedtime but she is still in the middle of us. Back on top of me and we had gone two weeks with her all rght falling asleep beside me. You never know what they see that might remind them. Is there anythign you can do to make it easier on yourself?? Praying!!
Hi Rachel,
Josie so often does something that makes me wonder--- we've had a few sleep problems the last week and a half as well. She wakes up every night around 1:50 am. We are lucky in that she goes right back to sleep after Wim goes in to her room and quiets her. If I go in, she wants to be chatty.
Best wishes to you-- going without sleep is hard.
Rachel,
I did not tell you this the other day but while I was waiting for Kate there was a poll on RQ about sleep issues with adopted kiddos from China. The results were staggering ...almost ALL the kids had experienced waking or difficulty going to sleep within the first year home. Most people said they get up with their kids at least once a night.
You are a great Mom and I know you will give Lily exactly what she needs. I think at some point this happens and given how well she has done this is a blip on the radar screen. I know it stinks to be so tired though. Kate did this at exactly the same point in time (being home this amount). Now...she does not wake at all---unless she is sick OR there has been a MAJOR change in our house.
Kim
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